Pastiche

A Pastiche (imitation) of “American Fat” by Russell Baker

Catholic boys don’t ask girls on casual dates anymore. Nowadays they like to meet, discern, and then marry. Show them a pretty, available girl and watch them analyze whether or not she would be a good wife until she gets fed up and moves on like a rock that has just been launched from a slingshot.
“The port” is a typical example. Years ago, only nuns and priests would have spent all their extra time in the Port. Now, it’s a hotspot for couples.
“The port” is a place to pray. Why has “just praying” become foreign to this campus? It’s a lovely time just between a person and God, without lots of complicated words and profound statements to impress another person.
This is supposedly romance at its very best. Praying is a great thing; it doesn’t call for another person; it is not something to be addicted to, to take over your life, or to create a spiritual connection so strong with somebody who you are not married to.
A girl met a guy the other day. He was on his way to Mass, apparently- a girl never pays too much attention when distracted by good looks. She asked him why he was going to Mass when it wasn’t Sunday.
The guy said it was “to pray for his future wife and to hopefully meet her!” – the mind’s Automatic Franciscan Boy Radar went off at this point. Seeds of gloom had been planted.
The guy’s obsession with getting married was given away. One shudders for this poor girl- “submissive wife” as he probably sees her- for it has to be an awful thing to be interested in a guy who goes to Mass to pray for a girl to get her M.R.S degree with him. He would probably also suggest asking the Lord for a huge billboard along the side of the highway that says “Ask her on a Date” before he invites her to the grotto for a midnight rosary.
Getting to the holding hands part of the process would require three novenas and the advice of a spiritual advisor. Having finally held her hand, he’s practically engaged.
Peace, students! Of course that’s a slight exaggeration, although “slight” is very emphasized.
We are to date around, all the while staying in the state of grace; until we find someone that we could spend the rest of our lives with.
The Franciscan way of dating- it might tell us something. Have people forgotten that we need to live our faith in everything we do? We take it too seriously when it comes to picking who we are going to date. It’s the boy who asks the girl, “Can I take you out to dinner?” It’s the girl who is going out with that boy and says yes when another boy asks, “Can I have your phone number?”
Casual dating has become unusual and frowned upon, as though we don’t need an outlet for our ever growing minds and spirits; a chance to find our potential spouses by literally eliminating all other choices. The boys are not to blame here; they are merely following other’s example.
There are guys that can’t bring themselves to ask a girl out, swallow their nerves, show some courage, wear the pants, get the phone number, but instead seek out girls at holy hour, or worse, infatuate themselves with theology and philosophy.
Franciscan University seems to be the only place in the universe with this problem. The couples are always praying, but the single people face long, dreary days of loneliness and solitude. Girls never have dates on the weekends, the act of sitting together at Mass shows that a couple is “pretty serious”, and all the fun of meeting new people is nowhere to be found.
Why do guys want to get married but are afraid to date?